Coming Out at Work

I am in the process of coming out at work. As I mentioned earlier this month, I came out to a coworker and it went so well I started thinking seriously about coming out to everyone and beginning to use they/them pronouns on the job. I told that coworker that I was thinking about telling our boss and asking to use they/them at work, and she was very encouraging.

So I spoke to my boss.

I had been rehearsing that single sentence in my head all day – “I’ve been using they/them pronouns in grad school and I want to start using them here” – and even so I had a very hard time actually getting the words out. But I did. And my boss reacted almost exactly the way I had thought she would, by saying, “Of course. Let’s talk about how you want to do this.”

It’s boiled down to, she is going to tell the rest of the staff, in whatever way she thinks will be easiest and least confusing for everyone. The idea to be communicated is: I want to use they/them pronouns, and beyond that, I do not want to be referred to with gendered language at all.

She’s been great about the whole thing. Like she made a point of checking with me about my name, if I wanted to go by a different name as well, and she said she was glad I was sharing this and that everyone will want me to be happy and comfortable.

So she will be speaking to people or e-mailing them or otherwise informing them. Coincidentally, I had already taken several days off this coming week, so I won’t be working until Friday, at which point I expect everyone will know.

I did directly tell one other coworker after speaking to my boss. My newest coworker, who I’ve only known for a couple of months. I know our boss is going to be telling people imminently but it sort of came up and so I went ahead and said, “It’s actually ‘they’, um, instead of ‘she’.” Which he took completely in stride, said OK and added that he hoped he hadn’t offended me. I said he hadn’t, he hadn’t known; and he said, “I had actually been wondering about that but I wasn’t sure if I should ask.”

So that just reinforces my idea that this request is not exactly going to surprise anyone. Also, all three people I’ve told have reacted perfectly, which has really reduced my stress level about everyone knowing. We’ll see how it goes Friday and from there, but I think it’s going to be fine. I really do have good coworkers.